May 6, 2002

Writer’s note:  It was suggested to me that the original essay lacked some essential stuff:  It was grammatically incorrect in many areas & lacked an emotional aspect that was appropriate to the subject matter.  In truth, because this issue is so close to me, I intentionally went for the unemotional essay style.  I thought this would make my point more clear – apparently, it did not.  Additionally, I still contend that run-on sentences are a style, dammit!  So, with that in mind, a rare glimpse into a second revision of the same essay, I think you’ll agree that it turns out rather differently.

In the past, my lies have hurt people whom I’ve loved.  Lying is easier, faster and most of the time, more convenient.  Unfortunately, as I’ve found, most lies come back to bite you later in one form or another.  The lie itself may go undetected, but karmicly (sp?) all things require balance.  When I finally grew up enough to realize that other people’s feelings were as important (in some cases more) than my own desires, I began telling the Truth.  The old saying “The Truth Shall Set You Free” – well it’s true for me, I’m living it.  Many days the truth that sets me free makes me feel like I have a hole in my chest & I can’t breathe.  Sometimes the Truth makes me pound my desk in anger because there are things that I seemingly cannot control.  Sometimes the Truth makes me say hurtful things to the people that I love.  I sit at work, and the Truth prevents me from doing anything constructive.  The Truth keeps me from calling home for fear that I’m watching or hounding, or God forbid, sounding pathetic.  Sometimes the Truth makes me look at myself and wonder why I do or don’t do certain things.  I’m going through a crisis & the Truth is killing me.  If the Truth sets me any more free I might end up in a rubber room somewhere.

Truth is hard – it is forcing me to work, to look closely at myself and my relationships.  Sometimes by seeking the truth I find that my own motivations are colored.  You may be reading just such an example.  Heck, our emotions sometimes get the better of all of us.  For me, I know that the Truth is that I will not stop until this is settled and done.  I cannot maintain this life for much longer, I am quite simply, falling apart emotionally.

I know some Absolute Truths.  These are the things I base my entire life upon.  I stand upon these Truths as my foundation, my Earth. 

Sometimes the ground shakes, but I will stand firm.