May 13, 2002

Death is unfair to the living.  This may sound like a fairly simple assessment of a very complex issue, but it is Truth.  Random death can come to anyone, for any reason.  It leaves behind in its wake utter ruin.  As my wife puts it:  "For the person who dies, their troubles, if they had any, are over.  The troubles for those left behind are just beginning."  A friend of ours died last week.  He was 34.  He, like me was a computer guy and also biked to work.  People think that my reaction to this incident would be to be afraid of my own possible death, but this is not the case.  The frightening Truth is that death would be preferable to me than the alternative – being left behind.

 That’s the part of all of this that’s getting me.  I find myself wondering how anyone’s spouse can remain sane after something like this happens.  To be alone, so utterly alone, it's something I can't fathom.   Lately, I’ve found myself on a path of spiritual re-discovery.  It’s been growing in me slowly & I have enjoyed exploring it in myself – until now.  This event throws everything into imbalance.  I don’t want to get too much into Faith, I’d like to leave some material for another day, but one of the fundamental things that I was coming to believe was a sense of fate, or karma or just a general plan.  Not necessarily that an All Knowing God was behind every move, just that there was a plan in place.  This kind of a death makes me question if any plan is worth sacrificing the love that these two people had for each other.  They have been cleaved in half while there was still so much for them to share with each other.

 So, you’re asking yourself, what does this really mean to John?  OK, maybe I’m the only one thinking that.  I’ve been doing lots of introspective thinking about how I deal with the world the past several weeks and even more over the past few sleepless nights.  I’ve never handled death well, anyone who has known me for any period of time can tell you that.  My initial reaction is to immediately shut down emotionally, to distance myself from the event that could hurt me.  It’s not a conscious thing; it’s just the way I’m wired.  Unfortunately, this is only a temporary solution.  In earlier years, I sought solace in heavy drinking.  This worked for a short time, but was never a long term solution and had undesirable consequences for my friends and relatives.  I once tried therapy, but that too yielded no decent results (I think most shrinks are a bit nuts themselves.)  Grace says that everyone grieves differently, and each person’s grief is right for them.  However, how does that work for someone who has never learned to grieve, but has instead practiced avoidance? 

So, this is where I stand:  Frightened of losing everything, unable to lean on my internal spirituality, and not knowing how to move on in a healthy way.  What to do?  As I’m writing this now, I have no idea.  I’m feeling better now, but things are always easier to deal with in the light of day.  How will everything play out tonight at 2AM?  I think that I will try to be honest with myself, acknowledging my own fears without letting them rule who I am or how I behave.  I will do my best to help the people who count on my support everyday.  I will try to live each day to the fullest and express my love for my friends and family in a more open manner.  I will understand that there are no guarantees.   I will laugh, cry, love and live.